


It's Always Sunny On Jakku: "Blaster Fever"

by Ultron



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - It's Always Sunny In Philidelphia Fusion, April Fools' Day, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-02
Updated: 2016-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-30 16:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6432451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ultron/pseuds/Ultron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the cantina gets robbed, the gang decides to buy a blaster to protect it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Always Sunny On Jakku: "Blaster Fever"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [plinys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/gifts).



> Okay so this is complete crack. Like it's pretty much just the episode with some star wars tweaks so obviously everyone is OOC and it's just crack. Plinys had this thing for an April Fool's Day crack fic thing and so I decided to do an Always Sunny AU with the Force Awakens gang. Obviously, this is totally OOC and it’s just here for a laugh which I hope it provides. Some background for those of you who haven’t seen Always Sunny and might not get who each character is parodying. Ben Solo is Dennis, part bar (or cantina in this fic) owner who is the brother of Rey who is Dee, the bartender. Poe is Mac, one of their friends and part owner, and Finn is Charlie, another friend and part owner. This is from the episode “Gun Fever” which I feel you all should watch. I took out the whole part of Dee dating someone though because I didn’t really see how I could find the character to fit (plus I didn't want to write it or anything).

**11:25 am on a Friday**

“You’re such a nerfherder, dude,” began Poe as he and Ben made their way toward their cantina.

“Thanks, dude. Thanks. That’s a good way to start the day,” said Ben, sarcastically.

“Is that health drink supposed to erase the damage you did to your wound last night?” asked Poe as he looked at the wound on Ben’s side. Ben had repeatedly punched it the night before to show how tough and dark he was.

Ben could insult back too. “That coffee going to help you forget that bantha you slept with last night?”

“Oh come on,” began Poe, offended, “You don’t have to be so judgmental.”

The two of them keep bickering back and forth as they entered the cantina. The minute they turned the corner though, Rey and Finn ran out of the office.

“We’ve got a serious problem, guys,” began Rey.

“We’ve had a B and E!” shouted Finn.

Ben and Poe looked at him confused. “What? What does that mean?”

“Someone broke into the cantina and stole our safe,” said Rey.

“A B and E,” started Finn. “Breaking and entering.”

“What?!” shouted Poe and Ben, simultaneously.

They all headed into the office as questions of “what?”, “how?”, and “when?” flew around.

“It must’ve happened last night,” said Finn as he moved over to where the safe had been.

Ben sighed. “Who locked up last night?”

“Well I did,” began Rey, “but the locks were broken so it’s not my fault.”

“Well it’s someone’s fault” began Ben.

“Well I know it’s someone’s fault,” said Rey.

As the two of them kept up the sibling bickering, Finn joined in, and finally Poe jumped in.

“Guys! Guys! We aren’t going to get anywhere fighting! We need to be rational.”

As everyone calmed down, Poe continued. “I think we all know what needs to happen here…”

“We need to buy a blaster.”

X

The gang had been a little divided on the blaster idea. Ben and Poe believed it to be a good idea.

“We need to be able to protect ourselves in case something like this happens again,” said Poe.

“Poe is absolutely right. What if one of us was here when it happened? We could’ve been killed.”

Rey and Finn on the other hand didn’t think they should get a blaster.

“No, no, no, no, no,” began Finn. “Blasters are not a good idea. They’re dangerous; someone could get hurt.”

“Yeah, no blasters,” agreed Rey.

Still, even with this divide Poe and Ben decided to get a gun which they then proceeded to shoot in the cantina basement.

X

Meanwhile, Finn was in his house, baking, when his landlord knocked on the door. Phasma stared at him as he opened the door.

“Finn, my rent,” she began. Always a woman of few words.

“Okay listen,” began Finn but Phasma quickly cut him off.

“No! I can’t wait anymore. I’m not patient.”

Finn took a deep breath. “Okay, just let me go get something.” 

So Finn headed back into his room while Phasma angrily waited by the door. 

“You getting my money?” she shouted as Finn headed back toward her. In his hands were tiny treats.

Phasma couldn’t help but just blink at him for a moment before shouting “2187 you owe me!”

“I know how much I owe you,” countered Finn.

“I’m not going to that this anymore.”

“I’ve just placed a couple of bad investments,” began Finn. “It could happen to anyone…I’ll get your money by the end of month. Okay?”

Phasma wasn’t taking that though. “I’m coming back tomorrow and I want my goddamn money tomorrow. Okay.” With that she quickly snatched one of Finn’s treats and quickly headed out.

Finn went back into his room, shut the door, and proceeded to shout “Nerfherder” as loud as he could.

X

Later in the day, when it was getting time to open the cantina, Finn headed over and found Ben and Poe in the basement shooting at large pieces of metal junk. It was here that the two of them, excited over their new blaster, began pressuring Finn to use it.

Finn however didn’t want to. “You guys shouldn’t be playing around with blasters. We should be opening the cantina; Phasma is all over my ass because of rent.”

Yet Poe and Ben wouldn’t give up. “You wanna hold it?” asked Poe.

“No, no. I don’t want to hold it,” began Finn, “I want to open the cantina.”

But Poe and Ben wouldn’t give up and eventually Finn broke down. “Fine, give me the blaster.”

So they handed Finn the blaster. He had to admit when he held it there was a certain feeling of power. “Is this thing loaded?” he asked.

Ben grinned. “It can be.”

X

The three of them ended up spending a large amount of time firing the blaster which Finn had to admit did feel good.

“I feel focused and badass and just…badass, you know?”

Ben and Poe couldn’t help but give him proud looks. “I think he’s got it, Ben.”

Ben nodded. “I think he does.”

Finn looked over at Poe confused. “Got what?

Poe put his arm around him. “Finn, my friend, you’ve got the blaster fever.”

X

Finn’s blaster fever, sadly, lead to him not wanting to get rid of the blaster and he ended up taking it to his apartment even as Ben and Poe asked he bring it back.

“It should be here to protect the cantina,” they said.

Finn however had another use for it. When Phasma came knocking on his door demanding his rent he clever place his under his shirt.

“You have my money?” she asked.

“No but I have some treats in the fridge if you want some of them,” he said.

Phasma sighed, annoyed. “I never liked you, Finn. If you don’t have my money-”

Phasma stopped talking as Finn stretched and she noticed the blaster under his shirt.

“I’m sorry what about your money?” asked Finn, smugly.

Phasma just backed away and quickly headed off down the hall.

X

Meanwhile, Ben and Poe were devising a plan to catch the thief at the cantina since they assumed they’d be back for the cash in the register. Of course for that they would need the blaster from Finn.

“Can we have the blaster?” they asked when they arrived at his door.

“Why?”

Poe and Ben just looked at each other. “Well first off we shouldn’t have to tell you why,” began Poe, “We bought it. It’s ours. But if you must know we’re going to try to catch the thief at the cantina tonight.”

“Really?” asked Finn.

Poe and Ben nodded. “Yes. So can we get the blaster?”

“Why?”

“Okay you know what, dude?” began Poe frustrated. “Move.”

X

After taking the blaster from Finn, Ben, Poe, and Rey, who they convinced to join, waited in the cantina for the thief.

After cutting the lights, Poe headed back over to join Ben and Rey in hiding behind the bar. When he sat down, they could hear the charging of the blaster in Ben’s hand.

“Dude, are you charging the blaster?” asked Poe. 

“Wait a second, you guys have a blaster?” asked Rey, shocked.

“We are not shooting anyone tonight,” began Poe.

“Ben, you are not shooting anyone!” snapped Rey.

“I don’t want to shoot anyone, Rey!” shouted Ben.

“You better not shoot anybody,” said Rey.

“I don’t have-” began Ben.

“I should be holding the blaster,” said Poe.

As the three of them bickered the door to the cantina opened and they immediately went quite as they watched a figure stalk over to the register. They tried to turn a flashlight over to stun the figure but it wasn’t working, causing them to only bicker more, which lead to the figure trying to flee.

“Shoot him!” shouted Poe to Ben.

“Shoot him in his face!” shouted Rey.

As the figure was trying to escape he tripped but in about that same instance Ben fired the blaster at him.

“I’m shot!” came the shout from the familiar voice of Finn.

“Finn?!” shouted Rey in surprise.

A frenzy ensued as Rey rushed to Finn’s side, Poe tried to turn on the lights, and Ben tried to apologize to an upset Poe.

X

At the hospital, the bickering between Ben, Poe, and Rey didn’t stop.

“You almost killed our best friend,” began Poe.

“You told me to shoot Finn,” shouted Ben.

“I didn’t say that,” shouted Rey.

The arguing continued until the doctor came out and motioned for them to come in to the room.

“How you feeling buddy?” asked Ben.

“You shot me,” began Finn.

“Ah Finn,” began Poe, “You were stealing from the cantina. It was an honest mistake.”

“Still wished you didn’t shoot me.”

“If you needed help with money, why didn’t you just talk to us?” asked Rey.

Finn then tried to explain how he’d make it look like the other robberies so they could collect insurance which Ben, Poe, and Rey all had to agree was a terrible idea.

“The important thing is you are all right,” began Rey. “And we talked about it and we decided to get rid of that blaster.”

“Oh yeah the blaster,” began Ben.

“Yeah we’re getting rid of the blaster,” said Poe. “It’s too dangerous. You could’ve been killed. Ben could’ve killed you.”

Ben gave Poe a glare while Finn agreed it would be for the best. He then asked for Rey to go find him a nurse, leaving him, Poe, and Ben in there alone.

“Tell me we’re not getting rid of that blaster,” said Finn.

“No way!” shouted Poe.

“Never,” replied Ben, who then pulled it out.

“Sweet," said Finn with a smile.


End file.
